I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
