Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
