I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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