I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
