I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got inside last night via doggy door
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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