Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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