Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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