Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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