He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
operation harelip BJ is a go
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
do herpes really smell.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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