The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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