I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
