dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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