Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize