So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
