thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
