Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
