so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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