Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
