listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
