Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
