im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize