i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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