i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
