you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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