when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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