im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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