hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
