Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
