Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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