Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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