and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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