so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
well most of my day revolves around power hour
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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