Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
