if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
