Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
