it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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