So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
