Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize