Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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