if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize