Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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