Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize