You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
