I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
