i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
