i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
