Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize