Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
