after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize