I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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