Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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