Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
