i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
