If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
