It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
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