How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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