He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
zippers are such a cool invention
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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