She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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