there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
