Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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