why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize