There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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