my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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