3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He shit in the fireplace
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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